leroBlog

Yesterday while eating my weight in gingersnaps and looking at mails on the internet I discovered that people use social networking for something other than posting bra shots of themselves and I was so, so, SO sad and upset.

Your son Charles Elsam III called to ask me for friendly beer date and then communicated that you think I look terrible in that photo of me in the scarf. That really hurt my feelings. They are feelings that will only be saved with large amounts of wine from your private collection. This amount will do (my own father is in the process of drinking dry this portion of the cellar.)

i have made this gift salad for my friend jesse, but he is 40 minutes late for dinner.

this is not an indictment of jesse. i recognize this is ALL MY FAULT.

—> . 0-: (that is an icon of a crying housewife-me taking a methamphetamine diet tablet, just about to do a whole lot of vacuuming.)

(one who acts like a nerd but does not possess the supernatural intelligence of a nerd)

My ex-boyfriend Peter lent me his glasses so that I could better understand the story he told me about the CBC listener who sent a holiday card to his office with the inscription: “Merry Christmas. You suck.”

There’s a cat in my apartment right now, but it is not mine. If I had the glasses I’d know exactly where it came from!

Ladies, don’t you love getting tipsy on a bit of Cava and strutting around in your ankle weights? I know I do! LADIES??

IKEA food… Bad choice!

Talking myself out of buying a sauna suit… Good choice!

“Filing” my receipts for 2009 in a used jiffy pack… Bad!!!

Nico’s long-forgotten Parisian member of the Misfits look… Good!!!

i went to see some excruciating comedy on tuesday which caused me to drink and smoke and then look this i’d been swimming in some sludge off the new jersey turnpike.

beforehand, before this skull crushing comedy, i’d written down some Very Important Points about life.

1. people enjoy bonding over the severity of their past hangovers
2. it’s annoying to make a TO DO list and then do something you did not put on the list
3. maybe open a bar that serves only booze milkshakes
4. don’t buy any more of Amy’s frozen enchilada trays
5. maybe start dismissing people who say “towards” and “afterwards”
6. it’s difficult to know how to arrange one’s face NOT when one is waiting for a friend, but when that friend has arrived and is saying hello to people he or she doesn’t know that well and you will likely not be introduced to

If you go to the newsstands in CANADA and AMERICA (Canada’s pants) and you go to the section with girls on the covers of magazines and you open the one that says “Marie Claire” to a special certain page, you’ll get what’s below! A Q&A with me. Here’s the thing: I stupidly gave away the denouement of the book because I am stupid, so maybe just stare at the photos and do not register any of the words. If you feel like staring adoringly, the internet won’t mind. Except for those people from the Amazon.com Vine Program who seem to have gathered into some kind of internet lynch mob. My life failed to meet even the lowest of their expectations. Also, some of them think I should be put in an asylum.

Kindness and understanding abound! What a time to be alive.

Earlier I wrote a pathetic post. Then I deleted it. Maybe you saw it. If you saw it, my bribe still stands. If you didn’t see it, and you’re wondering about the bribe, just drop me an email.

Earlier, I was angry at my “you’re not fooling anyone, fireplace” fake fireplace. It wasn’t pumping-blasting enough heat into the living room. Now it seems to be doing its job. I also have the oven on (for food.)

On the fireplace is: 1. my broken camera (still under warranty), 2. a stuffed spermatozoid in a foam green ashtray, 3. pictures of my cake-loving nephew, 4. Republic of IKEA tealight holder. On the floor near it: 1. Kinski/Herzog DVD collection that my parents’ bought for my brother for Christmas that he temporarily bequeathed to me because it wouldn’t fit in his luggage.

Earlier, it was shorts weather. Not earlier today though.

I’m reneging on my outburst regarding links. I want to post them all up in this post. I want to explode links on your face today. So I’m going to. On this 2nd day of the 2nd decade of the 21st century.

Here is some advice I gave in the National Post (the newspaper that used to carry my column and then axed it for what I assume was a bunch of different reasons, instead of just one large “Kathryn, you make very little sense” reason.)

And this is a valuable video I made over the holidays.

Scotch Lesson with the Borels

Also, the terrific Sarah Liss wrote this, which set my insides all ablaze with joy.

Now I feel gross! Goodbye, goodbye.