Today I lost the Stephen Leacock Memorial Medal for Humour Writing to now three-time winner Will Ferguson. (Hearty congratulations to him.)
It is only a shame because I was going to use the money to resurrect my dead paternal grandfather with an expensive spell and potion after starting up a backroom pygmy small loris fighting ring n’ craps shack. I was going to do both of these things next week. Now my schedule is clear. Call me!
I have a shard of glass lodged in my left foot from jumping off the couch while playing Boston’s More Than a Feeling on XBox Rock Band. There’s glass everywhere.
Hey Kids! Kathryn Borel sez: THERE’S GLASS EVERYWHERE.
I thought I was going to get shot in the Vons parking lot tonight.
Hey Kids! Remember to MAKE A DIFF.
I went to Venice Beach for the first time. It was a Sunday, and the boardwalk was packed full of people eating the biggest Snow Cones I’d ever seen. There was 30-something woman in a graying green fairy costume with frayed wings, standing on a small mat looking down at her dirty pointe shoes. A little girl walked by and put a few dollar bills into a tin can that had a paper with TIPS written on it. The fairy’s face came alive and she bounced into an en pointe position. It was the kind of face and posture that indicated that she knew exactly what she was going to buy with her can of money.
Then I ate a hot dog in one bite. Just like a velociraptor.
My first In N Out burger as photographed over my first private strawberry patch.
A true fact about humans: You either have had a near-death experience or you are dead.
UNRELATED:
Here is a photo of my parents at their wedding reception.
today i live in los angeles. i plan on living here tomorrow and in a series of tomorrows that will stretch until the end of may. this means i will miss cinqo de mayo in toronto, which is a real shame.
last week, i was in paris. the icelandic volcano with the OUTRAGEOUS name exploded while i was in the air, or something like that. amazingly, i survived the volcano. i am currently writing a glorious screenplay about this, as i am in stunning los angeles.
while i was in glamorphous paris, i jumped on a urine-soaked mattress. you absolutely HAVE to jump on one if you go — you truly haven’t LIVED until you’ve bounded up and down on a pisstress (as they’re called in france) in fliburlious pah-ree.
He is LOST. He really could be anywhere. He is a little green parrotlet. He could be in your Port-O-Let. He might be leaving on a jet. I don’t know!
guys. hi. i don’t blog a lot anymore because i am lazy with the laziness disease. but! yesterday i received the announcement that means more to me than pretty much every other announcement ON EARTH (except for the cancer ones). i’m nominated for the Stephen Leacock Memorial Medal for Humour Writing.
in the words of humorist kathryn borel, “if i don’t win i’m going to kill myself!”