Is also the place where I fell off the stage while trying to smash a pinata. I was high. Off public speaking (and weed. And beta blockers.Kathryn Borel bails, but recovers nicely.)
THE PLACE OF MY BOOK LAUNCH IS THE DRAKE UNDERGROUND
Why did it have to land in the BACON GREASE CONTAINER?
For the first time in my life I punched a wall. It happened last week. I’ll write the background to this like Humbert Humbert describes his mother’s untimely death (picnic; lightning)… As in (sexually harassed during the day; bicycle accident.) Anyway, I was washing some dishes to blow off steam and was transferring a bunch of the dry ones into a hanging storage solution on my wall, from IKEA, the principality that invented storage solutions. There was a heat retardant egg scraper and a spatula and maybe some kitchen scissors. I dumped them into the hanging orb, which was affixed to the wall rack with a little metal hook. The hook came loose, the orb (made of heavy ceramic) dropped, it plummeted and landed directly into the large dish of congealing bacon grease that I was keeping (why?) next to the stove (why??) The dish shattered, sending a flat, circular splash of grease around the kitchen.
I screamed OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE and then started punching the wall. My knuckles began to bleed so I just kept pummeling it with an open hand. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When I later told the story to my friend Lily, she said, “When things like that happen, I always say ‘Of course!’” And I said, “I said of course too.” And we both shrugged and said, “OF COURSE.”
People in the office
There are certain people in the office. I sit at a desk in front of the water cooler, and when they come to obtain water, certain people will make pathetic, ridiculous, content-anorexic conversation with me as they’re filling up their bottles. Because they feel they have to. (I’m working! I mean, sometimes I’m actually WORKING!) For a while, I tried making a face that said, “I AM EXTREMELY BUSY RIGHT NOW”… severely knitted brow, pinched cheeks, big scowl. None of them noticed. So now I pretend I’m on the phone with my stockbroker.
I don’t have a stockbroker.
CORN BRAN: IT STILL EXISTS
Only $2.99 at No Frills. Though only a paltry 5 grams of fibre per serving.
I biked with the box under my arm and passed many friends who were coming back from various brunches and I waved the box in the air and yelled TWO-NINETY-NINE and went straight home and poured a bowl and ate it and if you don’t think that’s some kind of great great life maybe you are a fool?
Once I Pretended To Be Engaged
But I wasn’t really engaged. I posted the photo on Facebook and everyone loved it and congratulated me. And some of their vitriol was so fierce when I explained it was a joke.
It's $7,000 I'd rather spend on a second-hand hovercraft.
Me doing things in new videos of me and also wine
Yesterday I woke up from a Zopiclone coma and rolled to my friend Jeremy’s house, where he shot me doing some stuff. After a time of poor-acting-and-makeup-applying, I rolled to my friend Adrienne’s house, where she edited the footage. All it cost me was a pizza and two bottles of wine. I have the greatest friends on Earth.
Sabering in the Garden
How To Taste Wine Without Looking Like a Clown
Wu Wiki
Last week Alex and Gabe and Chaz were sitting around becoming drunk on elephant beer. Chaz, after beating me to shreds and pulps in a freestyle battle wondered, “What planet has the longest day?” I texted the GZA’s manager the question, as GZA has been boning up on maths and sciences these days. I received the answer last night (he was in Australia). It’s Saturn.
Sometimes we have a bicycle ride
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re all, “Kathryn has a fancy mouth with all her wine tasting and goose eating and have you seen the way she cooks everything in goose grease like she’s the leader of a goose farm and also maybe she is drinking the finest, most expensive wine with her gooses?!”
But you’re so so so wrong. Today I went for a long bicycle ride. I needed dish soap, which I bought. I was going to purchase the generic brand, but SPLURGED (right GIRLS??!) on OXY CLEAN. I bought this name-brand dish soap along with TWO Lean Cuisine meals. Here is the one I ate.
As i was waiting for this to heat up, I ate this.
I iced that puck of cake with the prepackaged icing. Then I sucked the remains of the icing from the foil package.
Mr. Without Glue vs Mrs. Fibrositis
I’ve always thought the Finns were the worst Scandinavians, but I’m reconsidering my position because of THIS (and now turning my gaze in the direction of YOU, Swedes.)
The key to a grilled cheese sandwich
See, the key to a grilled cheese sandwich is to grate the cheese on top of the bread. If you do this while the bottom slice is lying in the butter, in the pan, some of the cheese will spread about the surface. As it cooks, you can slide around the bread so that the cheese becomes caught around the edges. This makes it crispy and slightly burned and sheathes the slice in an extra FLAVOUR LAYER. Also, you should wrap a brick in tinfoil and place it atop the top slice of bread. People might look at you strangely, but you should not care, because they are fools. And you are the one holding the foil-wrapped brick as WELL as a superlative sandwich. No on can argue with a person holding these two objects.
NO ONE!